has been my go to for writing about my feelings, and that’s not going to stop anytime soon. It’s funny though, when writing posts, I find the writing to be cathartic. With this post I’m more concerned about the fallout in my circles. Still, thank you, my loving readers, for giving me a safe space to vomit my feelings without judgement or shame. I promise we’ll return to happy fun times soon!

life is a mess

My most recent breakup has hit me harder than most. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m the most single I’ve been since I was 17. Maybe it’s the fact that with the rest of them things were a bit more slow. It wasn’t a surprise, everyone knew it was coming. This breakup though, this breakup was a surprise for me. This breakup stung stings. This breakup is the kind of breakup that affects how you interact with partners (potential and otherwise) for a very long time. This is the kind of breakup that makes you question your feelings, and the way you love people. It’s the kind of breakup that makes you question yourself.

wrong idea about love
I’ve always had a hard time making close friends. It’s getting better now, but for a lot of my life I was a shy introvert, and I didn’t really have much faith in myself. I know it’s hard to imagine, but trust me, it’s a true story. This breakup has gone to remind me that my circles are much smaller than I thought.

make people like you
I know that in poly communities, there is always some overlap. Polyamory and non-monogamy is a growing community, and there isn’t the same kind of ability to avoid an ex. Hell, in most of these communities, exes, and metamours, and friends are all overlapping, and good GOD is it frustrating. It becomes a game of debating which parties to go to because you need to prepare yourself mentally to see your ex.

avoiding ex
So when a friend of mine messaged me to ask if it was okay that she was seeing my ex, I had no idea what to do. What do you do when someone you loved, who hurt you so badly, wants to start seeing your friend after your breakup? I know what I did. In spite of the fact that I was angry, and heartbroken, in spite of the fact that I still haven’t moved past a breakup of a year and a half long relationship in the span of (just over) two months. In spite of all of that, I replied with “I have some feelings on it, but it’s neither here nor there and I’m not upset with you in any way”.

my emotions

In spite of all of my feelings, I decided that I wanted my friend and my ex to be happy. Because of that, I lied and said it was okay. It isn’t wasn’t. It hurts and it burns and I’m angry. Maybe I’m mostly angry because he’s moved on. Not only that, but after numerous conversations, My general takeaway is that he feels like I should have moved on as well. Maybe I’m angry because it’s a friend of mine, though I’m not angry with my friend. Regardless, I do want them to be happy but I would be lying if I said that the thought of seeing the two of them being happy together didn’t make me want to cry.

I think a large part of that has to do with the way I still feel about my ex. I am so used to having him there in my corner that I don’t remember how to stand on my own anymore. I was reminded of this fact last night. Last night I got news that I’m speaking at Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit on two panels. One of which is my brainchild and my baby, and I’ll be presenting it with the magnificent Rainbow Queen Crista Anne. I’m proud of both of these panels, but upon seeing that my baby was accepted, I reached for my phone because I knew the immediate person I wanted to text. Before I could send the message though, it hit me in the gut that he’s not the person I run to anymore. I was reminded that now I have to be on my own, that I have to be excited for my own accomplishments.

you can do this
So instead I reached out to my friends. My friends who tell me all the ways in which I’m better off. My friends who snuggle up with me when I’m crying and invite me over to make it better when I’m hurting. I reached out to the people who love me twice as hard, and let me lean on them, until I learn how to stand on my own again.

bad guy
The friends who remind me of the knowledge I already have, the truth I already share, that I am more than my relationships. These friends who remind me that while my close circles are small, they are filled with some of the most wonderful, fierce people I know.

I am fortunate to have such small circles. I am fortunate that the people who are dearest to me are the people I need to have in my life. And for that, I am very, very lucky.