1. I wish I could let shit go, rather than replay it over and over in my brain. Unfortunately, it’s always there. Every time I upset someone. Every time there’s a conflict. Every time I feel bad about something. Every time I do something stupid. Every time I fuck up. It’s there, permanently, sometimes keeping me up at night, and it never goes away.
10. I wish I had my own identity. There’s a remarkable thing in psychology called the Chameleon Effect. Where people unconsciously mimic the mannerisms, expressions, etc. of the folks they’re around. That is my entire identity. There are some things I know I like, and I know I love, but my identity is so often swooped up into yours. It’s very, very isolating, and very hard to be alone when you don’t know who you are. It’s very hard to be alone when you aren’t actually a person, but rather a composite of the people you’ve known over the years.
These are just some of the things I wish. A little glimpse of the inside of my crazy, what it’s like in here. Yes, I work on it. Yes, I’m constantly trying to get better. It’s hard though, and some of these things (like where I’m constantly questioning my own motives and feelings) are what things look like when they ARE better. Some of these things are what things look like when they’re being treated. Even when in treatment, my head is a mess, and I’ll be fighting this for the rest of my life. Cut those of us with the crazy some slack… we’re doing the best we can to survive.