The Tantus Amsterdam AKA: The Time My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Vagina


Dear Mom, Dad, Family Members, Employer, and Future Employers (But not my beloved readers because, seriously, you’re who I do this for <3)

I strongly STRONGLY discourage you from reading this post. I really do. If you read it, I’m not responsible for what you’re reading. I gave you a magical warning that you’re going to hear WAAAAAY to much about my sexytimes (WHICH YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BECAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE I’M NOT OPEN ABOUT WHAT I DO… *ahem*).

If you want to keep reading I can’t stop you, but here’s a cute .gif just in case you want to turn back now!

cute bun


I am not one to shy away from a challenge. You’d know this if you spoke to any of the people who have been around while I rage when I play video games. So when I saw the Tantus Amsterdam for the first time, I knew I wanted that inside of me.

might_need_invader_zim

Wait, no, I’m getting my timeline mixed up…

I saw the Tantus Amsterdam for the first time at my first CatalystCon West. I remember admiring it, and feeling the weight in my hands, but I remember thinking “goodness this thing is BIG”. The next time I saw the Amsterdam in person was nearly two years later when I saw it in a box of review toys that I had been sent. That second time I saw it, my immediate thought was “I can do this”.

you can do this

But after much trying, and much love, I have to say that I’m giving up. I’m not sure what it is, either I’m not approaching this from the proper angle, or my eyes were bigger than my vagina.
giphy (10)

What is the Tantus Amsterdam? This beast you can’t tame? Well… the Tantus Amsterdam is this monstrous 2.45lb of silicone, modeled after traffic barriers in Amsterdam:

xxxpillar

Unlike the traffic barriers, Amsterdam is made of sweet, soft, matte silicone. The silicone does pick up a bit of dust, but I like to wipe my toys off with baby wipes before using to make sure I’m not shoving cat hair all inside of me. The toy is a majestic 10.5″ long with a girthy 2.6″ diameter.

The real winner here is the design pattern on the side. The XXX down the side looks like it would feel magical, but might be a place to pick up some stray body hair. Unfortunately I got stopped at the head. I got really close to past the lip, but no dice. It was a huge bummer.

sadness walk

For those of you who like the aesthetic, but are concerned about the size, there is a smaller one that you can pick up in exchange (and for a substantial price difference). The Amsterdam Small is exactly like the Amsterdam, but at a 6″ length and 1.5″ diameter.

power emanates from the vagina

For the inevitable asshole who tries to be all “big sex toys and fisting makes you all loose!” Well first off, I’ll forward your complaints to my filtered inbox, where I send all the shit I don’t care about. Second off, I’ll refer you to Laci Green, who can talk a bit more about how it’s not a thing.

Overall, I’m reasonably impressed with the Amsterdam. It’s certainly an interesting piece to look at! I only wish I could use it. Guess I’ll have to save up till I can splurge on the small 🙁 The Tantus Amsterdam family gets the Frisky Fairy seal of approval. Click here and pick yours up today. Go ahead, I dare you 😉

Until Next Time,
The Frisky Fairy

2 Replies to “The Tantus Amsterdam AKA: The Time My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Vagina”

  1. I just received the small Amsterdam from Tantus and it looks, like, comedically tiny in comparison.

  2. Yes you are right at the starting when you warned about the post. I think the Toy is very good but the problem is the size of it but it will be fun trying this for sure. Keep posting this kind of post in the future will be more then happy to read more post like this one.

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