Polyamory can be wonderful, but it can also suck so hard. If your partners are awesome, sometimes this can get sorted easily, but it can definitely be tedious. These are my top ten reasons why polyamory sucks.
1.) There is never a bed big enough for everyone, or a cuddle position that leaves everyone feeling properly included.
If you’re a person (like me) who has multiple partners that do not interact with each other in a sexual/romantic fashion, you may encounter this obnoxious issue. I have Alex, Jon, KP, and Bobby. All of whom I’m trying to snuggle with in a bed that is not designed to fit 5 people. No matter how I try snuggling three of my partners (left, right, and one literally on top of me), someone is going to feel left out.
2.) Some asshole took all the fucking blankets.
probably definitely me. I took them all. Everyone gets their own individual blanket, and still, somehow, I managed to kidnap all of them in the night while everyone has slept. I have rolled myself into them like a magical blanket fairy. I am… The becca-rito.
3.) Processing. OH, the Processing. Fucking Processing.
Oh, I need to have this conversation with Jon before I go to bed with Alex after we drove back from Savannah. By the time Jon and I finish talking, Alex is passed the fuck out (on my side of the bed dammit), and all of our sexytime plans were RUINED. There was nothing left to do but push his ass over and go to sleep.
4.)Your stories never get old, but they do get confused.
On one hand, having different partners means that they get to hear different stories from your life! On the other hand “Baby, you told me this already” becomes a favorite phrase because you can’t fucking remember if you told that story to someone (so you tell it anyway, just in case).
5.) Being ganged up on (and not in a sexy way) is a thing.
The best way to bond with your metamour is to talk about/tease your mutual partner. The problem is when you get all 4 of your partners in one room, and they start to compare notes about how sassy you get. It doesn’t really help either when they do the “isn’t she cute when she…”. NO. I’M NOT CUTE. I AM FEROCIOUS.
6.) You forget little details about your partners.
Wait… Bobby’s birthday is April 21? No that’s not right, I’m thinking of Jon. Alex wears an XL shirt? That’s definitely not right. Who has green as a favorite color again? If I buy this video game for KP will he already have it? Ugh, I need a fucking spreadsheet. (No, but really though, spreadsheets are excellent for this sort of thing, and if you have a Science Phone you can access them through Google Docs on the go!)
7.) Telling people about your partners gets really confusing sometimes.
I use the term partner to describe a number of people, so I understand how it gets confusing. “Oh your husband Jon and your boyfriend? Wait, which one?” “Is KP the one in Savannah or DC? Philly!? I’m so lost.” Eventually you just start giving them nicknames to make sense of it all. Marshmallow (Alex) is from Savannah, Daddy (Bobby) is in DC, Hubs (Jon) is also in DC, Koala Bear (KP) is in Philly. Unfortunately, that means that people remember these cute nicknames instead of their actual names. (I’m looking at you, Mr. Mallow). On the upside, you get to have great names for your collective group of partners. Mine is The Legion of Doom. Which means that I get to talk about The Legion. It’s a lot of fun!
8.) Sometimes you forget to share important news.
I decided to fix this nonsense very quickly. I put all my partners in a Facebook chat so I can just drop my important info in the chat for all of them to see. It is super useful, as opposed to trying to remember if I told someone that I got an email about speaking somewhere, or reviewing something I’m excited about. Don’t make my mistake, try and put them all in one place. Though you may end up being ganged up a bit more often.
9.) Scheduling is the WORST.
Prior to writing this post, I spent two hours trying to get all my partners in one place to see a movie. KP will be down from Philly for the weekend, and Alex will be up from Savannah for the weekend. Bobby gets off work at 6, Jon can’t be out much later than 10. Everyone needs dinner. I just want a photo with all of them. It’s a lot of “what times work for you?” and “okay how about this plan”. It’s awesome if you enjoy puzzles, but a pain in the ass if you enjoy things like spontaneity. I spontaneously sprung this plan on The Legion TWO. DAYS. AGO. Worst.
10.) There is too much fucking love to go around.
Do you want to be angry and petulant? Too bad. There are too many people, and too many snuggles. There are too many people who love you and want you to be happy. They all have a personal interest in keeping and making you happy. They might drive you crazy, but they just want to share their love. Sometimes they do this by cuddling you so hard you fall off the bed at night. Sometimes they do this by sending you surprises, or taking care of you in ways that you didn’t even know you needed. It makes it impeccably hard to stay angry when you have four people who know the best ways to make you smile.
In spite of all of this, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my partners, I love my life. I love the calm and the chaos. What about you? Do you have any poly things that suck?
-The Frisky Fairy