This is to serve as both a conten warning and a warning about NSFW language and images.
Please remember to be polite and respectful in the comments.
There are some things about myself that make me profoundly uncomfortable. Things that I have taken a long time to come to terms with. You see, I live and work in a space where working hard on being “politically correct” is something to be proud of. I could talk about how I prefer “inclusive” to “PC”, but that would take far too long. Instead, let’s talk about kinky things.
During the day I am an outspoken, super opinionated feminist with zero patience for bullshit and even less patience for misogyny, racism, and lack of equality. I would backhand the asshole who tried to force me to do something I didn’t want to do, and would call the cops on the first person who hit me. I have a lot of very intense feelings regarding things like incest and sex with underage people. When I have vocalized my feelings on consent violations, I’ve heard things like “frothing at the mouth”.
At night though, things change. I am a snarky, bratty little girl who adores having her ass beaten with a flogger. I call my partner Daddy when I’m kneeling on the ground in front of him and letting him unilaterally make decisions for me. I beg him to slap me across the face and enjoy when he disregards me saying “no” (though he never disregards my safe word).
These are kinks of mine. These are things I love. Submitting to men in my sex life doesn’t mean I believe that women should submit to men. What is different is that nothing here is forced. I submit consensually. They take my submission consensually. Everything is talked about, negotiated, agreed upon. My safeword (Red, if you’re curious), is always respected. I am always respected. I find great peace in the fact that I can be on my hands and knees getting flogged by a man who I call Daddy, or held up against a wall with a hand wrapped rather hard around my throat, and still walk away as an equal.
I fully understand that my kinks are problematic. They laugh in the face of everything I promote. Things like equality, and respect. For a very long time, these kinks, these things that turned me on in the dark of my bedroom, they made me feel incredibly inferior. Was I a bad feminist for being a submissive? Did I have latent incestuous fantasies as a result of my relationship with my parents? Was there something wrong with me for liking the way a flogger felt on my skin, or enjoying a spanking, or happily calling my boyfriend and partner “Daddy”?
The answer is no.
I am no less of a feminist for enjoying kinks that that require me to give my control and decisions to someone else.
I do not have incestuous fantasies, I simply like the feelings of being taken care of by someone who loves me and wants what’s best for me. I simply love the power exchange.
There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with what I fantasize about. There is nothing wrong with having fantasies that aren’t inclusive. The problem comes when your fantasies harm other people. When your fantasies carry over into real life and they are being used to non-consensually harm another person, you have become a problem. When you are using your fantasies, and ideas of “your kink is not my kink”, to cause harm and discomfort to another person who may have a different experience than you, that is a problem.
You don’t have to give up your fantasies, but how do we account for the ones that are not inclusive?
- Own the things that are inherently problematic about your kink.For instance: understanding why some people could be triggered by a Daddy/little girl relationship or scenario. Understand why someone who fights for equality would feel uncomfortable with the idea of willingly submitting your rights away. Owning the fact that the things you enjoy, the things that turn you on are problematic, but that you don’t want to harm others non-consensually is important.
- Be respectful of the boundaries of others, and don’t harm them.There is a very big difference between hurt and harm. You can hurt someone, something temporary, something like a bruise after a flogging. Or you can harm someone, and leave a lasting, negative, hurt. Don’t harm people. Use consent. Have conversations with them, and be understanding when someone is uncomfortable. If someone mentions that breathplay really frightens them, don’t push the issue. If they mention that they are uncomfortable hearing about your kinks because of how it affects them, be respectful of the things you’re saying. If you have a Master/slave kink and you use that to publicly and non-consensually make someone uncomfortable, then you are an asshole. Follow Wheaton’s Law: Don’t Be a Dick.
- Don’t make assumptions.When it comes to kinks, it’s easy to assume some damaging things about other people. You don’t know what a sort of person enjoys out of the bedroom. Someone who enjoys the submission of women could also be a feminist. Similarly, someone who enjoys forced seduction in a controlled setting would not want to be sexually assaulted. Kinks, and fantasies are wonderful for sexual exploration, but they don’t always carry over into “real life”. Your kink is not my kink, and that is okay!
So what about you? What sort of problematic kinks turn you on? Have you ever struggled with feeling like you couldn’t be an ally for a group, or be an active member of a political or social movement because of your kinks? How did you fight these feelings?
Until Next Time!
-The Frisky Fairy